if you're lost - you can be found.

"I'm almost as tall as Mommy!"
"Really?!"
"Yeah!" Gwen laughs."I'm almost up to her chin - so I'm almost growed up."
My half smile disappeared to pure thought and I looked out the window.
"Yeah. But sometimes when you grow up you wish you weren't grown up anymore."
"But why would you want to stay little?"
"I don't know-"

Nikki came in and we started Sunday School. We sang "Saviour Like a Shepherd Lead Us."
I mainly sing with them humming along until we get to "Blessed Jesus". Thats the only part they know, but they still like to sing it. In the main service our song-leader selected that song and as I played the introduction I caught Nikki's eye and she gave me a thumb's up and a smile. I couldn't help but break into a huge grin as she pointed at the words in the hymnal for her Aunt as we sang.

I've been continuing teaching voice/piano lessons on Saturday morning. I love it so much. Playing the piano and singing isn't just about learning the technicality, though that is a huge part. That goes for any musical instrument. Or anything really. I feel so strongly that your music, your style, your personality, it all says something about your worldview. Music and Art are forms of communicating. You have to have something to communicate though. You have to be a strong individual. You have to know what you want, what you believe, what you want to communicate - in essence. I want my students in their music lessons to develop their individuality. When you're playing a scale - its not just a scale - its music. Make it your own, let it tell something about you. That would seem impossible only to the narrow-minded. The way you touch the keys, the way you sing a note, everything. I like to think of everything being connected. Your spiritual, mental, physical, style, voice, laugh - everything. They relate to each other and I think it is amazing. Everything has meaning.

You don't just sing a song to sing it. You have to believe in the message of the song. I kind of think its funny that this has all just recently come to me. It makes me think more about the music I listen to, the books I read, the Entertainment I take part in. Is it stretching me, making me think, learn, grow, challenging me? We have to be so careful of whats going in, because its so much harder to get it out after you've let it in.

Dads message today was amazing. "If you're lost - you can be found." How profound is that? It was so precious. Like in Provebs. About how you shouldn't cast your pearls before swine. That was a pearl. Just that one statement. God is so good to give us pearls! We were also in Luke 22. One of my favorite passages. Which made me think about how the Holy Spirit prays on our behalf. There have been so many instances where I am not sure what to say. Sometimes I feel like there is nothing that I could say that He could possibly want to hear. Which in a way is truth - there is nothing we can do in and of ourselves to please Him - but still - still He comes and makes intercession for us. He pleads for us. What a God. What a God we serve. How amazing it is. I'm so excited for Heaven!



-E.G.E.

a host of memorable characters.

I turned up the volume on my CD player and shifted into fourth coming down Airport Road. It was snowing lightly and almost horizontally. The road was mostly covered but there was still some beautiful shades of brown in the the woods on either side of me, and the sky was a beautiful grey wash. I love the grey skies in NY. They are never flat and bland. They always have different hues in them. Like a watercolor painting. I was listening to Rachmaninov's Piano Concerto # 2 in C Minor. It is the most amazing piece of music I've ever heard and ever will hear.
In some/most Classical Symphonies and Concertos, I have favorite parts and tend to tune out for the not so favorite parts. Not with this Concerto. I drink the whole thing in. Every note, every chord, ever winding passage - it strangely enough makes me happy when I am sad and sad when I am happy. Nervously excited when I am calm and soothes me when I am rattled. I have heard Arthur Rubenstien play this piece and a number of other great musicians. I even have a recording of Rachmaninov himself playing this particular piece. But nobody, nobody plays it liks Sviatoslav Richter. His interpretation of the massive opening used to leave me in awe, but now I am both awed and staggered. I don't understand or comprehend how beautiful this piece of music is. I don't comprehend it. It is, in my humble opinion, the most amazing music I have heard played. And it is Richter's interpretation that has made it so.
On this particular day (yesterday) I was on the second movement of Rachmaninovs Concerto. It is a slower movement, but every single second of it is precious. I was driving down the hill shifting into fourth. I quickly slammed on the breaks and stopped a few feet from a doe. She was standing there. With the snow, wind, brown earth, grey sky and Rachmaninov, and me. And she was gorgeous. I looked to my right to see two more doe's. One of which was a few feet from my car. She was amazing and had huge brown eyes. She was stunning and she was a rich, deep brown. She looked right into my eyes and I stared back into her eyes for a full minute. We all stared at each other and then I slowly released the breaks and we preceded down the hill, still watching. They were still watching. Rachmaninov played on.

NPR radio had a French woman on the other night who gave a rather fabulous review of Edith Warton's book "The House of Mirth." One of the most heart-breaking books I've ever read. She said something like this.
"School was out in France and I kept to the apartment because of the protests. I could not go anywhere because the buses and subways were on strike. These were exciting times - and it was then I discovered Edith Wharton."
I think to myself that I wish I had discovered Edith Wharton under those circumstances.
"I am angered and saddened by her [the main characters'] materialism, her lack of judgment, and her inability to listen to her heart."
Her review was excellent. What an extraordinary piece of literature.

I am reading 'A Tale of Two Cities'. I have only read it once before and that was a few years ago. Talk about heart-breaking. The description of the book states; "...the classically heroic Sydney Carton finally giving his life to assure the happiness of a girl who would never be his."

Though Mr. Darnay, Carton, and Miss. Manettes' fates are easily spelled out through the book, you still can't help but hope for some other resolution.

"Now your dinner is done," Carton presently said, Why don't you call a health, Mr. Darnay; why don't you give your toast?"
"What health? What toast?"
"Why, its on the tip of your tongue. It ought to be, it must be, I'll swear it's there."
"Miss Manette, then!"
"Miss Manette, then!"
Looking his companion full in the face while he drank the toast, Carton flung his glass over his shoulder against the wall, where it shivered to pieces, then rang the bell and ordered another."








I have a lot more I wanted to blog about but I'm done for now.



E.G.E.

you're my satellite.

*I pulled this message off the answering machine tonight at work*

"...I wanted to pre-register for my ultrasound. It's supposed to be of my liver and gallbladder, but I don't have a gallbladder. So I guess they don't need to do that."

For some reason I found it quite funny.

I've been thinking a lot about my future lately and things I want to do for a career or what I want to become. Of course its not necassarily what I want for myself but what the Lord wants for me. I've been thinking about applying for a photojournalist position at the newspaper. But then I thought no, because what if I wrote about something somebody didn't like and then a serial killer came after me and threw rocks through my windows. Then I started thinking about how amazing it would be to get a job in Paris for the summer. As a Fashion writer. Actually probably any job in Paris would be an amazing experience.

Its kind of sad that "He Lays in the Reins" by Iron & Wine/Calexico wasn't actually in the movie 'Into the Wild.' It was in the trailer. But not the movie. Amazing trailer (preview) by the way. And a beautiful movie. It was definetly an amazing experience. I loved the main characters' resolution. It was heartbreaking but so true. It was well-done because I agonized with him over his realization, the timing of it - and found myself tearing up because he couldn't cross the river. Watch it.

Sometimes - Even though I know God is in control and holds me in His hands - Sometimes, for a moment or two, even just a split-second, I feel lost and spiraling out of control. Feelings deep down in the pit of my stomach - like its flip-flopping on a scary roller-coaster ride. It is terrifying when it happens. The weight of the world is on me, and I become sad for all the wrong things, the twisted, perverted hopeless things all around me. I see the direction our World is going in - and the prophecy from Revelation being fulfilled. I wonder how many more will have to die and suffer from our own sin and lack of understanding. "The god of this world has blinded..." We are living proof of God's justice and mercy. Left to ourselves we would have killed each other off centuries ago.

I want to road trip it across Europe, act on stage in preferably a Shakespeare play, fly in a glider, surf in California, bunjee jump, write something that will inspire people and influence them to change, play in a huge live concert, teach music and 'mold young minds', direct/screenwrite a movie, compose a soundtrack for a movie, release a CD, finish my book, design costumes for an opera, work with a professional photographer, and a million more things that I can't even begin to list.

But if I die in a car crash tomorrow I will be in a far better place, and far happier than if I'd done all those things on my list and more. So whatever He wants. I'm all for it.




E.G.E.



maybe you will always be - just a little out of reach.

this time tomorrow -

Driving home tonight I was tired and sweaty from my trip to the gym after work and I couldn't see very well in the fog, not including the fact that I forgot my glasses and drove over the hill. Reflectors on mail boxes seemed to be the eyes of countless deer that stared out at me - waiting until I got close enough to run into the road. Logs were the mountain lions they supposedly released to get rid of the deer. But I suppose I need not worry about logs and mail boxes. Freddy is a man of steel.

I have a great answer to prayer. My real good friend Sarah Wensley from school called me up and wanted us to be accountability partners. I have needed one for a long time. She calls every night and we talk about what we're learning and how our day was. On the way home I asked myself. "So Esther, What have you been learning recently? What knew things can you tell me about your God whom you serve?" It was challenging to think about, and seemed silly at the time, but it really isn't. There is so much we DON'T know about Him. This God who became man, Lord of both death and life (according to 1 Corinthians), and creator of all things. What did you learn about God today? Something new that you never knew before? It is so exciting to be serving Him. So exciting to know that He is in control of the unknown. That even though you don't know whats around the bend He does. And who else would you trust to be in control? There is no one but Him. Its so comforting.
I was telling Sarah how much in the past few months God has been showing me how important it is to tie in the physical, mental and spiritual. To attack those weaknesses of my flesh the same way I push myself to run that extra mile, or do those extra push-ups. Not so I can look good in that new dress, but so I can show Him that I am going to take care of this body He's given me. And its not like you're going to be perfect all the time, but its such a priveledge to be able to have the Lord to help you to try harder.

Since I am importing this into Facebook, most of you know that I got accepted into Masters in California (SO excited!). I'd appreciate your prayers concerning finances. I really feel so confident that God is going to provide everything. I know this is where He wants me and that means He will make a way! I am really excited about this great opportunity and hope that it works out.

For now, I'm still working at the Hospital, working on finishing my book, sewing, polishing up 'Un Sospiro' - boy it frustrates me that I used to be able to play that so well and I can't anymore! Still riding horses, singing and writing music and excited to see whats up ahead!

Thanks so much to everyone who's been praying for me.



Mucho Love,

E.G.E.

If its not too much to ask.

My Dad is sending this to our local newspaper for his annual spot in the religion section. I really enjoyed it and thought it was quite powerful so I am passing it on to all of you.


Resurrection Considerations.

John 11. 25. "Jesus said, I am the resurrection and the life, he that believeth in me though he were dead, yet shall he live. And whosoever believeth in me shall never die, believest thou this?"

As we consider the Sunday of the resurrection, we cannot think of it outside of Christ. The very significance of Sunday is that on the first day of the week Jesus rose from the dead to show that He had personally conquered death, and that God had been satisfied with His sacrificial work on the cross. But as we look at the context of this passage we are confronted with several glaring revelations about exactly who this Christ is.
First, consider that He is God in the flesh. Note the phrase "I am." This is the fifth in a series of 7 great "I am" statements that John records. Here Jesus moves Martha from the abstract belief in the resurrection, to the actual physical resurrection that will take place "on the last day." Jesus would further demonstrate this by the ensuing miracle of taking Lazarus, who was dead 4 days already and raising him from the dead. When Jesus speaks of Himself as I am, He is making a declaration of His deity. In Exodus 3.14, God revealed Himself to Moses, as "I am." This means that He is the eternal self-existent One. Jesus then makes this powerful statement concerning His eternality and deity.
By saying that He is the resurrection, He is saying that apart from Him the resurrection could not be. This in part because He was as Paul explains, "But now is Christ risen from the dead and become the first fruits of them that slept." [1 Cor. 15.20] Christ then was the first to be raised, and because He was raised we also shall be. Yet he is not limited to just this, but the Lord qualifies it by saying that He is the resurrection and the life." This means that He is the source of life, the sustainence of life, and the energy of life. As long as He lives, we will also live.
Second, we understand that those that are raised with Christ are those that "believeth in me." The Greek word 'believe' here has to do with a complete trust, a total reliance on. It does not mean mere intellectual assent. There are many who believe in Jesus who will not be raised up with Him, but rather will be resurrected to be cast into Hell. James tells us that "the demons believe in Christ and tremble." Note what the Lord said in Matthew 7.21. "Not everyone that saith unto me Lord, Lord shall enter into the Kingdom of Heaven, but he that doeth the will of my Father who is in heaven." We see here that believing acts, or leads to action. If I believe that Homeland security tells me not to drink the public water because it has been poisoned, then I will seek other sources for my water. The Lord Jesus says, "unless you believe that I am He, you shall perish in your sins." Now you either believe that or you don't, but if you believe it you will surely repent of your sins and put your trust in Christ. If not, you will continue headlong with most other sinners marching right into Hell.
Third, there must be an outside force involved in our resurrection. "He that believeth in me though he were dead...." Now there is a dual meaning here. We are born spiritually dead in sin, and thus we are incapable of coming to God in our own strength. Thus God must work in us that saving faith to awaken us from the dead. This is accomplished through the word as it is preached, taught or read. The result of being awakened is our great hope, for we will not be aimless spirits wandering through space, but real physical beings that are in perfect glorified bodies, saved and raised up to worship and praise God forever!
Note then, it is "yet shall he live." There are two words for life in the Greek. The one is BIOS, which has to do with physical life, the other is ZOE, which has to do with spiritual life. The word here is ZOE. That has the idea that we are now alive spiritually as well as physically. The second verse assures us that this life is eternal. Note, "shall never die. Believest thou this?" In other words, are you going to put your total trust in me and turn from your sin that you love so much? This is what the Lord means by believing, and this is what gives such a powerful meaning to Easter Sunday.
So then, as Resurrection Sunday approaches, I ask you what Jesus asked Martha on that day. Believest thou this? If you say yes, then it should lead you to do what the disciples did. The put all of their trust in Him alone, and leaned fully upon Him. They did what He said, and submitted to His Lordship over them. That is what belief means.





-E.G.E.