a funny little thing called nerves
Oh goodness. *sigh* Tomorrow is the big day. And my nerves are sky high right now. Yesterday was worse though. I woke up really jittery, shaking and feeling like i was going to throw up.
I'm trying to get a game plan for today though. I've got to have some good time in the word first. Then, I'm going to clean the house, do up my laundry. Practice the piano is a given. And then Dad will be home around 1:30 or so, so he's going to take me to the barn. I'm going to ride! I'm so happy. hopefully that will calm me down a little bit. Going to the barn is VERY relaxing, so I know I will have fun. Then Jon is taking me out to tonight to look for sneakers. I'm not buying them, he is. Then I will come home and watch "The Pianist", My yearly ritual, it usually inspires me. All the music from the movie is Chopin. And I'm playing a Chopin peice this year, so thats cool. So then I will probablly practice late at night again. Which has become my habit of late, and then Saturday morning get up at 4:45, leave the house at 5:30,
pick up Kim and take her to work, then head up to Horseheads, NY for the biggest day of the year! And the most nervewraking.
I'm nervous this year because I don't want to do it for the wrong reasons. I don't want to play in my flesh because these fat fingers couldn't possibly pluck out anything more than "the happy little clown" if I played in my flesh. I want so badly to play this for God that it makes me nervous. Nervous that I'll fail like I do so much. Not to mention that getting 2nd place last year sort of puts some pressure on you. Not necessarily from anyone, just yourself. So that helps.
I geuss I just want another "Scotland moment". Where somebody comes up and says that what you just played affected them in a way that words possibly couldn't. And it was all of GOD! That's the awesome part! You just sort of sit there, and think, and then lift your hands and whatever comes out was what he put there. My song in my heart. My song I give to Him. He gave me the ability to sit at a box of strings and ivory squares, and He gave me the ability to lift my hands, but from there on, it's His. I won't touch one ivory without His peace in my heart. He takes it from there. It's just giving back a little of what He gave to me. Just a miniscule amount. "It is all that I can give you.." And this is all. This is the moment where you step out of the boat, hold his hand, and live His request. This is the moment where you have seen, heard, and obey. It's all you can do. There is nothing else. The song in my heart will be played tomorrow. That song that saved me from my sin. The song that gave me new hope and allowed me to be His. It will come from the deepest place in heart. And maybe, if He see's so fit, it will fall on a pair of ears that's crying out for hope from their selfish life. Maybe, it will touch someone's heart in a way words and sermons and lectures never could. Maybe they won't see a little girl, helpless and depraved, sitting at a wooden box. Maybe they'll see Christ in all His glory, sitting at the right hand of the throne of God.
"For our conversation is in heaven; from whence also we look for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ:
Who shall change our vile body, that it may be fashioned like unto His glorious body, according to the working whereby he is able even to subdue all things unto himself."
Phillipians 3:20 & 21
pray for me
E.G.E.
stuck here by E.G.E. @ 5:58 AM
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